What to do when you can’t attend your child’s important moments

There’s a quiet flicker that happens in a child’s face when they spot someone familiar in the crowd. A tilt of the head. A slight bounce. Then, joy. Unfiltered, unrehearsed, unmistakable. You see it in their body before you hear it in their voice: “They came.”

That’s what made a viral TikTok from @appreciara so hard to scroll past. It wasn’t the audio or editing. It was the humanity. A montage of kids glancing toward the stands or auditorium seats and finding what they didn’t know they were holding their breath for. Some fist-pump. Some jump up and down. One simply smiles like their entire nervous system has unclenched. The caption floats across each frame: “Showing up matters.”

It’s not a thesis. It’s not an argument. It’s a statement that lands like memory. Or regret. Or resolve.

The comment section tells its own story. “This hits different when your parents didn’t show up.” “I’ll never forget the time my grandpa came to my performance after chemo.” “My daughter will never have to wonder if someone’s there for her—I’ll always show up.”

The reel itself is barely a minute long. But the cultural reverberation lasts longer. Because in a time where emotional connection often has to compete with notifications, logistics, and burnout, the idea of “just being there” isn’t simple. It’s symbolic.

And for a generation of parents reparenting themselves while raising children in a world of hyper-fragmented attention, it’s not just about being in the crowd. It’s about what showing up says. Who it’s for. And what it means to miss the moment entirely.

We live in a culture that praises presence but often punishes the realities that prevent it. For many parents, showing up for their child isn’t just about physical attendance—it’s about constructing identity, breaking generational patterns, and stitching together security where it was once frayed.

Showing up isn’t just about the child. It’s about the version of ourselves we are trying to become.

The TikTok video, like most viral parenting content, isn’t just about parenting. It’s a vessel for nostalgia, ache, repair. It stirs something deep and unresolved in many viewers, even those without children. And that’s the point. The moment of recognition—the child seeing a parent, the viewer seeing a younger version of themselves—is not just emotional. It’s developmental. It maps to attachment, belonging, visibility. When a child looks into a crowd and finds a trusted face, it doesn’t just ease nerves. It solidifies a narrative: I am important. I am remembered. I am not alone.

But here’s the thing. In the real world, people can’t always show up. That’s where the cultural tension begins.

The ideal is beautiful: a parent or caregiver with a clear calendar, a steady job, a reliable car, and no last-minute emergencies, always available to sit in a plastic chair and clap. But the reality is messier. Work runs late. A sibling has a fever. A car breaks down. A boss doesn’t understand. Or maybe, more painfully, no one was ever conditioned to believe that showing up mattered at all.

Many commenters on the video echo this tension. They want to do it differently. They want to be the parent they didn’t have. But they also quietly wonder: will I be able to? What happens when I can’t?

Because the TikTok doesn’t show what it took to get there. We don’t see the canceled meeting, the rerouted commute, the childcare shuffle for the sibling at home. We don’t see the mother standing in the back because she arrived late, or the father who texted a teacher to film it because he was stuck in traffic after a double shift. The emotional reward is captured. The sacrifice is cropped out.

And still, we watch. We feel. We share. Because even if we can’t do it all, we want to believe that our children will feel the weight of our care—whether or not we were sitting in the second row with a camera rolling.

Attachment theory, long discussed in clinical circles, gets a social media-sized revival through content like this. Experts explain that what we’re witnessing isn’t just cute. It’s foundational. A secure attachment, built through repeated signals of safety and responsiveness, creates the blueprint for how a child will engage with the world. When a caregiver is consistently present, the child internalizes the world as navigable, relationships as trustworthy, the self as worthy of care.

But presence isn’t just physical. It’s emotional. And it’s not all-or-nothing. In fact, clinical research shows that even caregivers who are responsive about 30% of the time can foster a secure attachment—so long as those moments are attuned, safe, and eventually repaired if ruptured. That’s good news for parents whose lives don’t allow perfect attendance but who still build trust with every bedtime conversation, every shared laugh, every honest apology.

In the TikTok, what we see is the flashpoint. But the real story is in the thread that wraps around those events—the consistency of care in small, often invisible rituals. Breakfast chats. Walks to the bus stop. The way a child’s question is answered instead of dismissed.

Still, missing a big moment can sting. For the child. For the parent. That sting doesn’t need to be denied to be defused. The experts say: acknowledge it. Don’t gaslight it. When a child expresses sadness that no one was there, the instinct might be to downplay it—“It’s not a big deal, I’ll come to the next one.” But that reaction, however well-intended, teaches the child to doubt their own experience. Instead, try: “I’m really sorry I couldn’t be there. I know that mattered to you. Tell me about it. I want to hear everything.”

That kind of repair is not a fallback. It’s part of the bond.

And that’s the part that’s often left out of the Instagram captions and school newsletters. The version of parenting that matters most isn’t the glossy reel—it’s the post-event debrief. The moment you ask about the award ceremony and listen fully. The time you print a photo someone else took and frame it anyway. The handwritten note slipped into a lunchbox when your presence isn’t possible. These aren’t compensations. They’re care in another form.

This is where the narrative shifts from guilt to creativity. If “showing up” is redefined not by location but by connection, then more parents get to opt back in without shame. And children get what they truly need: to feel known, loved, and prioritized, even when the seat is empty.

This doesn’t excuse neglect. Nor does it let anyone off the hook for chronic emotional absence. But it does make room for nuance. For real life. For parents doing the best they can with what they have—and still wanting to do better.

The parenting fantasy is full attendance. But the parenting truth is meaningful engagement.

So what happens next? For many viewers of that TikTok, something subtle but powerful occurred. Not just tears. Not just nostalgia. But commitment. A reorientation of values. A vow, however quiet, to be more present when possible—and more intentional always.

For some, that means rescheduling a shift. For others, it means letting go of the idea that missing a recital makes you a bad parent. It might mean inviting your child to re-enact their dance routine in the living room, clapping like you were there all along. It might mean blocking out ten uninterrupted minutes before bedtime to hear the full play-by-play of their soccer game, even if you were miles away when it happened.

Presence isn’t one act. It’s a pattern.

And just as importantly, it’s a practice that continues even when we mess up. Because the truth is: you will miss something. Life will get in the way. And the worst thing you can do is let the shame of that silence your future effort.

So you miss a show. But you watch the recording together with popcorn and pause to admire the moment they wave. You couldn’t make it to the assembly. But you send them a note that says: “I’m proud of you. I was thinking of you. Tell me everything.” You reframe the experience—not to erase the absence, but to reinforce the presence that follows.

And when you are there—when you make it in time, catch their eye, and smile—you hold that moment with reverence. Not to prove anything. But because you know, now more than ever, how much it builds.

Because presence isn't perfection. It’s a way of saying: I see you. I remember. I care. And for a child—especially one growing up in a world where attention is constantly diverted and care can feel performative—that message becomes part of who they are.

So maybe the next time a child looks into the crowd and lights up, it won’t be just because someone showed up. It’ll be because they already knew, deep in their bones, that someone would. Even when they couldn’t. Even when life got messy. Even when the seat was empty. Because showing up is not just about being seen. It’s about making someone feel unforgettable.